Thorny Meadows

Horrible Old Folks Home

Careful, Mom and Dad, or this is where you're going.

About Thorny Meadows

Not all parents deserve the best

Thorny Meadows prides itself on offering the most unpleasant elderly living arrangements possible while still technically being legal in most states. Whether you're dumping a horrible parent, or just threatening to do so, Thorny Meadows is there for you.

We "care" so you don't have to.


Thorny Meadows has a rich history Click to read more!

Tony the Owner was born and raised right here in Happy Pleasant, USA. He did not have a happy upbringing, but he did have a vision. A vision of love and revenge. But in spite of his tenacious ways and lack of empathy he did not have the money or land he needed to bring his vision into the world.

Then in 1992 Old Man Jenkins was arrested for operating a human trafficking ring on his old pig farm. Police siezed the property, and Tony acquired it at auction, completely legitimately. He secured a few willing and semi-willing investors, hired staff on day leave from Happy Pleasant minimum security prison, and was open for business. This was the birth of Thorny Meadows.

We sure have come a long way since those humble beginnings but we still hold to our original vision - to provide the worst possible service to your aging relatives at the highest possible price.

Would this face lie to you?

"Trust me. I'm a professional."

-Tony, the owner

Our Facilities

Want to explore the Thorny Meadows complex? Click to read more!

Our main campus dates back from the turn of the century, so all the buildings are technically historic. That doesn't sound so bad, right? There's actually quite a bit of space on the property but for legal reasons we can only show you a small section. Trust us, there's nothing bad happening on the rest of the property. I'm talking to you, Happy Pleasant Police Department! If you'd like to see more, call us, and come visit!

Isn't it cute?East Wing
So pretty?South Complex
It's "rustic."
-Tony, the owner

Our Rooms

Yes they count as rooms.

We engaged the most avant-garde interior design student that Happy Pleasant High School had to offer to bring you these stunning Spartan-themed rooms. They are simple, rugged, with notes of Victorian England. Nice work, Lance!

Our rooms may not be five-star hotel rooms, but don't forget that your dad made you share a room with your horrible brother who set your doll's hair on fire. What does he expect, the Ritz?

They're somewhat furnished and good enough. Explore the different room styles!

The Cuddle Hut

For the lovebirds.

Doesn't this room look great?

This double occupancy room is for all of the lovebirds out there. The elderly are always complaining about being cold. There must be something about the aging process that turns off the warm-blooded feature of the human body.

Well no more! In the Cuddle Hut you will get to know your roommate very well as you snuggle together on the cozy raised bed.

All Cuddle Hut rooms are windowless for added privacy. Now you two behave!

Cuddle Hut rooms have a raised wood platform bed, solid pine to help keep the spine straight. For an extra fee we can add straw-mat bedding for that rustic feel.

The Vista

The height of luxury!

Decor? We don't need no stinking decor!

What's nicer than a room with a view? Nothing, that's what. Well, not around here anyway.

Remember when your parents wouldn't let you watch TV at dinner? Well they don't even need a TV in a Vista Room. Residents enjoy a lovely view of the Thorny Meadows office, and all the sounds of the nearby highway. What fun!

Oh and don't worry, Vista rooms all come with safety bars.... for safety! They are very safe rooms, believe me. People try to break in, and they almost never succeed.

The Lone Wolf

The rugged choice

Swinging bachelor pad

For a little more peace and quiet, choose a Lone Wolf room.

These swinging bachelor pads are so popular we had to expand to a second facility, located near the rendering plant at the Happy Pleasant Industrial Park.

Just imagine. Pops can reclaim his youth with a private place to bring the ladies from bingo, or rediscover his spiritual side in his own private hermitage. Or maybe just pay for insisting on sending you to summer camp when you wanted to hang out at the arcade with your friends.

And don't worry, they won't be lonely. Thorny Meadows staff are obligated check up on Lone Wolves every day or two when they drop off food and medicine.

Elder pods - Hot seller!

Technological habitation space of the future

Shove them in a pod!

Are you space conscious? Thorny Meadows brings you the Japanese solution. Elder Pods keep your relatives right where you can find them, full time!

Let's be honest, there comes an age where they aren't as active as they used to be. Rather than letting them run around breaking hips, let's box them up in the supine position and feed them through a tube. If their memory is bad enough they won't remember anyway.

Important update Since the launch of Elder Pods we have seen overwhelming demand, which has been a mixed blessing. Local law enforcement has been poking around a little bit more assertively recently, throwing around legal mumbo jumbo like "crime against humanity" or other incomprehensible jargon.

In order to meet increasing demand and solve this little legal issue we will be launching an Elder Barge floating 200km off the Happy Pleasant coast in international waters! We set sail in the new year, so reserve a spot for your 'loved' ones today! Tell them to think of it like a cruise and they'll probably go along with it.


We use the term loosely, of course.

Thorny meadows is more than just a roof mostly over your head. Our "competent" staff is often there to "assist" you. Come explore the services you can expect with Thorny Meadows.

Standard Services

When you come to Thorny Meadows, this is what you can expect from us...


Chewing is for chumps

Chewing is a thing of the past. Stop living in the past, Grandma!

Our catering professionals take the finest cuisine, puree it into a homogenous paste, and serve it lukewarm for your dining pleasure.

Our approach to gastronomy takes the guesswork out of meals, and is really beneficial for our toothless clients.


Having Fun, Ladies?

We offer a wide variety of activities for our more lively residents to pass the time as they wait for the Grim Reaper to lay his bony hand on their shoulders. The activities vary week to week depending on the contract we have, so this list is just a sample:

  • Electronics Soldering - keep your fingers nimble!
  • T-shirt Silkscreening - artistic!
  • Sales Calling - Stay social!
  • And many more!

Proxy Families

They sort of look like you

Visiting older relatives is sad and boring. Why not have someone else do it for you?

For a small fee, our team of expert theatre students will dress up as you and visit your relatives, ensuring your spot in the will. With the help of a little make up, no one will know the difference!

Accident Coverage

Where there's a will, there's a way....

That's a nice relative you got there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to them!

We at Thorny Meadows hold the value of human life in high esteem, and the value of wealthier relatives in even higher esteem! We would NEVER do ANYTHING to harm your relatives... Directly.

But accidents do happen and they're totally not our fault.

Look, we know your wealthy relatives want to get to heaven as fast as possible, and who are we to stand between you and your inheritance? So for a moderate additional charge you can have accident coverage which includes:

  • Last Will and Testament update service (don't forget your pal, Tony!)
  • Daily unsupervised exercise walks down by the cliff
  • Storing the sugar bowl near the rat poison. Careful, Grandma!
  • Forgetting a decimal point in the morphine dosage. Whoops!
  • A room by the stairs with the bathroom just one flight down. I hope Jim the maintenance guy doesn't leave a banana peel lying around!

Would this face lie to you?

"We'll handle it."

-Tony, the owner

Resident Reviews

See what the residents themselves are saying about Thorny Meadows!

Mae hates it here
Do you have a blanket? I'm so very cold.
- Mae, 87
Get back to work, Sarah
I don't have time for an interview. If I don't finish this order, they'll transfer me to an elder pod.
- Sarah, 82
Who are you again?
That's not my family that came to visit. I don't have a son.
- Jolene, 75
George is a hermit now
I'm no lone wolf. I don't even like camping. Can't I come indoors?
- George, 75


Sadly our residents don't pay us forever. Check back here to find out if your relative is still ticking!

Peter Lobos

Mae hates it here 15 Jan 1928 - ?

Peter was a resident in the Lone Wolf section of Thorny Meadows. His keeper has not seen him since June and he hasn't touched his food.

Peter is survived by twin daughters, Lina and Gina, who declined to form a search party, probably because their father gave them rhyming names.

As per state law, the obituary must be posted, however monthly rent payments will be withdrawn until there is definite proof of his demise, or the money runs out.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Thorny Meadows.

Etta Mellon

Mae hates it here 15 Jan 1928 - May-ish 2016

Our cleaning lady, Gretchen discovered a nasty smell coming from the elder pods earlier this year, which may never come out to be honest. Sadly, that meant that sometime in the preceeding weeks, our dear Etta Mellon passed away.

Etta was always so calm and peaceful, never complained, which is why she went unnoticed for so long. But she will linger on in our hearts and noses.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Thorny Meadows.

Jim ... we just called him Jim.

Mae hates it here 15 Jan 1922 - 20 Aug 2016

Jim was dropped off by his granddaughter in early 2015 with a note and enough travellers cheques to last until August. By amazing coincidence Jim had a fall right when they ran out. Jim is survived by one ungrateful son who we can only assume is named Good-for-Nothing, and his granddaughter Claire.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Thorny Meadows.


Give the gift of threats!

Maybe your parent's aren't quite old enough to come to Thorny Meadows yet. That's OK, because now you can remind them every day of what's coming to them.

Maybe you can taunt them mercilessly with old people jokes.
Or give them that Dr. Seuss book that has been saved for just this moment.
Crossword puzzles. To remind them they are old.

Mailing List

Would you like to receive updates and alerts about Thorny Meadows?

We're adding stuff all the time. If you want to find out when there's new stuff in the store, or get emails from us for some reason, here's your chance! Sign up to the mailing list!

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